Skyrim is a Silly Place

Skyrim is the latest in Bethesda’s long-running Elder Scrolls series. It has been out for awhile, enough for me to have clocked an ungodly amount of hours into it. Lets get this out of the way first; Skyrim is a really good game, but I’m not going to be talking about that, because there is nothing fun about heaping praise on something. If you want that, I recommend a review site. Skyrim is one of those huge open world games that tend to suck in the vulnerable and geeky of society leaving behind Skyrim widows.

Hooray for gender equality! This one leaves a Skyrim widower.

So lets start our look at the silliness of Skyrim by looking at the races you can play as. As in all Elder Scrolls games, you are given a choice of ten races to choose from.

There are four human races: Nords (the Aryan race), Bretons (The British), Imperials (Italians), and Redguards (Black people, no it wouldn’t make more sense if they were called Blackguards you racist!).

Above: A “Red”guard

Then there are the Elven races, because really whats fantasy without elves, without them, fantasy writers would have to think of original ideas. Anyway you have the High Elves (Upper Class, also known as evil), the Dark Elves (Darker…elves), the Wood Elves (Short, tree-hugging, arrow slinging people, for those who just have to be Legolas), and the Orcs (Bethesda trying to be creative in assigning what is an elf).

Bethesda: Orcs are elves right? Well sure they are!

Finally there are the beast races for the furries of the group. The Khajiit are hideous cat people with a propensity for getting high on skooma (opium). The Argonians are lizard people. The problem with them is the female Argonians have breasts, lizards with breasts, non mammals with breasts….

BREASTS!!!!

Skyrim takes place in the land of the Nords. Who, like their Aryan brothers, are incredibly racist and really keen on getting foreigners out of Skyrim. The problem is that there is no consequence to what race you pick. Despite the racism abundant in Skyrim, even as a furry you’ll be treated as good as any Nord by the simplest shopkeeper, all the way to the racist leaders of the separatist movement. One moment, a Nord will exclaim that “Skyrim is for the Nords” and the next he’ll be engaging you in polite conversation.

Why hey there, my Semitic friend! I have some important quests for you!

This lack of consequences permeate the entire game. You can join a mage’s guild, and start out like little old Harry Potter learning new spells from professors. However, after a couple of quests (no more than a couple of hours) you are the Archmage (leader) of the guild. It would be like if after the third chapter Harry suddenly became the headmaster, because why not? Now that you’re the leader of the mage’s guild, you’d think that would matter. Well it doesn’t. Every once in awhile an NPC (non-player character for the layman) will make a shallow comment about it, but it will never affect anything you do, even if having an entire school of mages at your disposal would be the perfect solution to the problems you are facing.

Consequences, this game has none.

The lack of consequences make this game feel very shallow. Sure you can do all sorts of interesting things, but nothing you do has any real permanence in the game even *Spoiler killing the emperor has no consequence. So your character who is the leader of the mages, the head of a crack team of mercenaries, master of thieves, the director of assassins, and the Hero of Skyrim, will have no more dialogue or options than if you were just some schlubby adventurer.

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

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