Let’s Guess: The Last of Us

Recently a Playstation 3 exclusive game was announced at the Spike TV Video Game Awards. The trailer for the game shows us a thrilling world of corporate espionage, with agent Sam Steele, an Iraq War vet who tries to provide for his family, but just can’t get it right. Hahaha, actually the damn thing is just a stupid teaser, which will probably have very little to do with the game. Two teasers in fact. One of random quarantine scenes and general rioting and another about ants. Guess which one I’m showing you.

So the question on everybody’s mind is: what is this game going to be? Well in all likelihood its going to be a generic last person on earth, post apocalyptic kind of affair, that we’re all used to. Well I refuse this hypothesis and I’m going to take you to far more plausible places. Oh, and the ants trailer is supposed to be about brain fungus, so get ready to party down!

A very dangerous kind of brain fungus

1.) A Playstation 3 exclusive sequel to Elite Beat Agents, but with ants. Elite Beat Agents is the spiritual successor to a Japanese game called Ouendan. It is a DS game about a covert agency whose job is to help people through the tough times in their life. Not with something silly like government aid, or social programs, but with the power of dance. Yes, its a rhythm and action game about grown men (women if you get to the hardest difficulty) who dance at people to make them feel better. As good as that sounds, imagine how great it will be when the agents are replaced by brain fungus controlled ants. I know, I’m excited too.

Now replace these guys with horrifying insects

2.) An elaborate riot-breaking game, starring Crash Bandicoot. We all know that Crash Bandicoot, as a mascot, has not been used in quite awhile. It makes perfect sense that he’d take that frustration out on peaceful protestors. I can only assume that this would be some kind of beat ’em up rebooting the character. Instead of being a happy go lucky character, this would gritty him up for the current generation of kids. Give him a more tragic past including cannibalism somehow, because thats probably the “in” thing now. I would expect limbs to fly everywhere because of his tornado of climate change attack. Of course this would be a wonderful partnership opportunity between Sony and Wall street companies, so theres that too.

Mark my words. This guy is going to pepper spray the hell out of innocent protesters in 2012

3.) Untitled PS3 Highschool Dating Sim, by Atlus. No, not Persona 5. The last time I checked the Persona series isn’t about giant brain-fungused (patent pending) ants trying to pick up on some hot 13 year old girl action. Although, I will admit, some of the Persona games would have made more sense if they were about that. Trust me the only thing Japanese girls love more than fighting the undead in their spare time, is getting wooed by their ant overlords. I can only assume that it will feature breathtaking anime cutscenes and a revolutionary battle system that shows all those JRPG haters whats what.

You have earned a trophy: Kill it! Kill it with Fire!

Well there we go. Three far more plausible games coming from these teaser trailers. If at least one of them doesn’t happen and all we get is some post apocalyptic game instead, I’ll not only be disappointed, but I’ll also eat an entire plate of nachos in honour of my ant masters!

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

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