That Stupid Monkey Part 1: Donkey Kong

I have been made aware of Donkey Kong’s 30th Birthday by IGN’s article. After a quick wikipedia trip to confirm it, I have decided that Donkey Kong deserves a big send up for his entry into the dirty 30s. So for the next little while, we will be running a tribute to Nintendo’s most tie-riffic (shut-up) Ape. Starting at the very beginning: Donkey Kong.

No young sir, the picture on the bottom left is not a masturbation simulator

Donkey Kong started out his barrel-throwing life in 1981, the same year daylight savings time was introduced into the Soviet Union (thanks wikipedia!). Therefore, I’m sure you can see how Donkey Kong is analogous to the battle for ideological supremacy between the US and USSR in this fragile decade. Ok, so I’ll admit that Donkey Kong probably has nothing to do with the Cold War. In reality, Donkey Kong was invented by Shigeru Miyamoto. For those of you who don’t know, pretty much every game series worth a damn for Nintendo was started by Shigeru Miyamoto. Donkey Kong was his fourth game, and also happened to be the first appearance of Mario (but you already knew that, right? RIGHT!?)

This man is the closest thing Gaming has to a god, and he demands sacrifice.

Donkey Kong was an arcade sensation. Arcades, you know, those places you used to be able to go to feed quarters into machines so you can play games? No, oh well. The name Donkey Kong comes from Miyamoto. His idea was that a donkey was a stubborn, stupid creature, and Kong has to relate to an ape (see King Kong), therefore Donkey Kong was an appropriate name for the stupid monkey.

If a game ended like this today, PETA would be all over your ass

The original Donkey Kong was the subject of the 2007 documentary King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters. In this movie, two Donkey Kong playing masters, Billy Mitchell (Barbecue sauce guru, and also, the devil), and Steve Wiebe (Unemployed), battle over the all time high score. By that, I mean you see them playing the game individually, as the rivals never actually compete head to head in the movie. The fact that the original Donkey Kong arcade game continues to be played has to be an indication of its quality, or at least its ADD embracing quality.

Barbecue sauce and Donkey Kong is a dangerous mix…when you’re the devil

The following year, Nintendo released Donkey Kong Jr. The gameplay was nearly the same, but instead of playing as the plucky human fighting against the evil ape, you now played as the ape’s son as he tries to rescue his poor father from the evil human. Donkey Kong Jr’s greatest legacy was making millions of Donkey Kong fans feel like total monsters for what they had done in the previous game. He had a family you heartless bastard!

As an aside before I leave you. What do you think goes well with “Stupid Monkey” Jr? Well if you said math, congratulations, Nintendo agreed with you.

If you look into his eyes long enough, you won’t need math, because you will be lobotomized 

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

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