That Stupid Monkey Part 3: Donkey Kong Country 2

Day three already, the time certainly flies. Today we are dealing with Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest. I know what you’re thinking, internet, who the hell thought up that monstrous title. Its no Shin Megami Tensei Devil Summoner 2: Raidou Kuzunoha vs King Abaddon, but its still really unwieldily. Its Diddy’s Kong Quest because the game now stars Diddy Kong and the point of the game is to rescue Donkey Kong. In fact Donkey Kong will be absent for the rest of his eponymous series.

Kicked out of his own series. Oh Donkey Kong, you irrepressible drunk 

Diddy is joined by a new Kong family member: Dixie Kong (Gender equality for the win). Rare hasn’t changed its ways. Dixie’s hair is shaped like a giant banana (monkeys and their bananas) and she can use it as a helicopter in order to glide over distances. The player is now able to throw the other monkey, which can be used to get to new areas, or to comically hurt them by throwing them into an object (Rare, you sadistic bastards).

Hair works like that right?

As well as Dixie, there are two new Kong family members: Wrinkly Kong, and Swanky Kong. Wrinkly Kong is the local school teacher who uses her teaching ability(?) to let players save and gives the player hints concerning level secrets. That in itself isn’t bad. Hell, I’d even go as far to say that its useful even. The horror comes at the fact that she is married to Cranky Kong, and thus Rare has made me think of that monster having old person sex. Swanky is far more benign. He is, for all intents and purposes, a sleazy 80s ape. He runs the local game show which rewards trivia with lives. I should have mentioned this bit of insanity on the last post, but for some reason lives are balloons shaped like the player’s head (monkeys like balloons maybe?). The entirety of the game takes place on the evil kremlin island, which is troubling for these characters. I mean, why are there a variety Kong Kolleges in the enemy’s land, and why is it spelled with a “k”, thats the kremlin’s schtick? Did Wrinkly kill the original kremlin teacher and take over? Has she deprived millions of poor kremlin kids the right of an education?

She’s married to this monster, so the kids should just be happy she didn’t eat their souls

Do you think the kremlins were just going to sit around and let the new monkey out-crazy them? Of course not. King K. Rool (their leader) has decided that the entire gang is going to dress up like pirates, because he’s crazy like that (may have just watched Hook), and he now fancies himself as Kaptain K. Rool. His underlings take this pretty far, even though only the first world (arguably the third to) really has anything to do with pirates. Old favourites like Klump and Krusha and the Kritters return, but now they have pimped out pirate gear. Klap Trap went from being a cute little scuttling krokodile (damn now they’ve got me doing it!) to a monstrously huge, and I can only assume, soul consuming, scuttling krokodile.

These guys are ready for the theme dance battle at the YMCA

Aside from the general wackiness, Donkey Kong Country 2 also introduces collectible coins that let you open up new levels and play minigames to win lives. There are three kinds of coins: Kremcoins (for to pay kremlins to get new levels), banana coins (to save, play Swanky’s games, and get hints), and DK coins (the coins for the self-obsessed ape)  In order to get some of the coins, you have to complete bonus levels, which are accessed through bonus barrels (give it a rest with the barrels, Rare). If you get all the DK coins in the game, Cranky Kong will finally admit that you aren’t a complete loser, which is about as good as you’re going to get from him.

I hate you, old man

The environments are varied and wacky. You’ll go from swamps, and volcanos to an amusement park occupied by bees (the most common patron of amusement parks, I hear). One of the new animal pals is a flyable parrot named Squawks (technically he was in the last one, but to hell with you and your “facts”). Squawks’s levels are fast and crazy (more so than normal), and has you flying through environments including a giant bramble maze and a crystal mine.

He spits rocks to kill dragon flies because he’s awesome

Donkey Kong Country 2 ends up being better than its predecessor pretty much in every way. It turns out Donkey Kong isn’t necessary for a good Donkey Kong game. I hope the poor guy had fun during his captivity.

Orgy Scene Take #4 – Donkey Kong: “What a “Big Gun” you have there Kaptain”

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

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