That Stupid Monkey Part 5: Donkey Kong 64

Whew, late update but here we go, back to the monkey. Donkey Kong 64 is the spiritual successor of the Donkey Kong Country series. Like its predecessors, Donkey Kong 64 was made by Rare, and thus shares the same insane sense of humour. Now for the real surprise. Guess who the star of this Donkey Kong is…its actually Donkey Kong! I know what you’re thinking, internet. Rare must really be going crazy if they’re making a Donkey Kong game starring the eponymous ape.

We don’t really know him that well actually. He’s frequently absent from his own games, probably because he gets drunk too much

Donkey Kong 64 was one of the two games on the N64 that required the expansion pack. This basically means that Donkey Kong 64 was one of the best looking games on the system (still really, really ugly by today’s standards). As usual, Donkey Kong doesn’t come alone, but this time he has a whole cadre of partners instead of just his little, totally not boning each other, buddy Diddy Kong. Well Diddy is back (Donkey wants him at arms length for obvious reasons). On top of him there are three new Kongs to play as. Lets look at Lanky Kong first.

I hate this thing so much

Lanky is a hideous orangutan, and he has problems. Firstly, he is not, in fact, a Kong. No! He’s a stupid little poser. He’s not an ape, just some orangutan. Not only that, but he’s a clown. A CLOWN, internet! Just some horrible, poser, clown, orangutan, thing with stretchy arms. I hate him.

Next we have Chunky Kong. He is supposed to be the older brother of Kiddy Kong. We can all be thankful that he replaced that horrible man-baby thing. For that, and that alone, Chunky gets my vote as best newcomer. He goes with that gentle giant schtick that we all know and love (are sick of).

Hooray! He’s not nearly as bad as he could be! 

 You’d think that Lanky Kong was my least favourite new addition wouldn’t you? Well you’re wrong. That honour goes to Tiny Kong. She is Dixie’s younger sister and can do everything Dixie can do, but also can get smaller. Heres the problem. Dixie isn’t in this game. There is no reason for Dixie to not be in this game. Rare replaced her with an exact duplicate of herself. WHY DID THEY DO THIS!?

What did you do to Dixie, you pigtailed bitch!

Well there’s the cast. You may have gotten the impression that I’m not too fond of them. You are right. Donkey Kong 64, like Donkey Kong Country before it, takes a lesson from Mario. In this case, I’m referring to the fact that both 64 games have progressed from being a 2D platformer to being a 3D platformer. Like Mario, Donkey Kong makes the jump fairly well with one major caveat. Remember when I complained a little bit that Donkey Kong Country 3 was tedious? Well Donkey Kong 64 beats it like Cranky Kong beats your self-esteem (oh, his wife, Wrinkly died and is now a ghost for some reason).

Why wont YOU just die you old bastard.

Donkey Kong 64 goes crazy with the collectibles. I mean Rare crazy. There are so many collectibles and most of them are so tedious to get that you’ll want to punch everybody from Rare straight in the face. The Kremlins are back, but there isn’t a theme and K Rool is back to being a king, so he’s less fun. Oh, and what do you think that the monkeys need when embarking on another quest agains these kremlins? Did you say guns, internet. If you did, you must be really stupid. I mean who would say that? Why in god’s name would you give monkeys guns?

God Damn it Rare!

Yeah, all of the monkeys get guns that they can buy and upgrade from Funky Kong. Really, Rare?  Funky Kong, the laid back hippie surfer and occasional mechanic. We are supposed to buy him as an arms dealer?

What did they do to you Funky?

So there we go. Donkey Kong 64 has solid gameplay, but damn are there problems. Sure they keep Cranky to a minimum, but they also inflict a war crime against us right from the beginning, and here it is.

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer


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