If Video Games Made Christmas Specials

Well, here is the post that I promised you yesterday. Its now less than a week before Christmas, and I’m being constantly assaulted by Christmas decorations, shopping, and more importantly Christmas specials. Every television show seems to capitalize on Christmas. So, I though to myself Why don’t video games capitalize on this most holy of capitalist institutions. Well the answer is because it takes a lot of money and time to make a video game, and its usually not worth it for a single holiday. That being said, InFamous 2 released a Halloween game, so the question still remains. Therefore, I propose to you three video games, if video games made Christmas Specials.

1.) How Marcus Fenix Saved Christmas (and subsequently got his groove back)

Ho ho ho mother f@#$*!
Its Christmas time on the planet Sera, and all of the little muscle-bound COG soldiers are patiently awaiting gifts of Mountain Dew, and Red Bull from Santa. Suddenly, its reported over the radio that the Locusts have shot down Santa’s sleigh. Its up to Marcus Fenix and his cadre of gorilla-substitute friends to break into a Locust stronghold and save the jolly fat man form certain doom. Fortunately, the team quickly rescues some of Santa’s elves, who are also roided up, because there really isn’t any other character model in the game. The elves are able to outfit the squad with Christmas themed artillery, such as exploding gingerbread men, a candy cane chainsaw, a reindeer with a machine gun turret, and most devastatingly of all: the Eggnogtorium. This Christmas warcrime causes eggnog to erupt from every orifice of the target, killing them in the most joyous way possible, which I guess would be major internal hemorrhaging. With these tools, Marcus and the gang are able to bring the Christmas spirit to the Locust (mainly through murdering the hell out of them). 
2.) Wario’s Christmas Karaoke Spectacular
Justin Bieber was going to be in this picture, but Wario punched the crap out of him
Wario is no stranger to money-making schemes. As soon as he heard I was doing this, he insisted that he get in on it. In this game, Wario acts as the MC and judge of a Christmas karaoke competition where, you, the gamer with the deep pockets, compete with other contestants to see who can make the best Christmas album. As with most Wario games, there is a sinister twist. Like The New Super Mario Bros. Wii before it, Wario’s Christmas Karaoke Spectacular is actually designed to segregate you from your family and ensure you won’t be on speaking terms for the holidays. You see, while a person is singing into the microphone (only $40 a piece), other players are encouraged to try various ways to screw the singer up including: changing the pitch of the microphone, starting and stopping the song, and just good old fashioned kicking (Wario doesn’t care). After you’ve recorded your masterpiece you can export it onto an SD card and get it put onto a CD for only $59.99. You’ll need that recording to show to the judge proof that your relatives deserved to be stabbed. 
3.) Kratos’ Christmas Carol 
In this version, Scrooge takes Tim’s other leg and uses it to find secrets
Kratos is the most unlikable video game character I have ever seen. He doesn’t have one shred of goodness in him. Therefore what better character for him to play than Ebenezer Scrooge. Scrooge spends most of his time angsting about the gods, while working his employee, Bob Cratchit, to the bone. In between segments of torturing Cratchit, Scrooge platforms around the city looking for red orbs to upgrade his humbuggery powers. This is until Christmas Eve where he is visited by three ghosts. The ghost of Christmas past, played by Athena, show Scrooge his boyhood struggles at the school for gifted sociopaths. Then the ghost of Christmas present delights Scrooge with scenes of the Cratchit family. Oh, he’s also a mega awesome Chicken-Hydra boss, but with drumsticks instead of heads and you only win but successfully covering him with enough gravy, and survive the stuffing quick time event. Finally there is the ghost of Christmas future, who is a grim reaper, because he always is. He shows Scrooge his grave, and then Scrooge gets sent down to hell, and has to climb his way up out of it (because this happens in every God of War game). Finally Scrooge learns the error of his ways and lets the Christmas spirit in. Most of the development time for this game would be just trying to program a smile on that bastard’s face.
Damn, Wario really went to town on the poor kid
Well there we go, three awe-inspiring Christmas Special video games that are sure the warm the hearts of millions. These classics are sure to be considered childhood classics. Speaking of childhood classics, wouldn’t it be awful to make a Christmas themed game of a childhood classic that was so crappy it retroactively slapped you in the face every time you watched the original?
Yes, it would be pretty goddamn awful indeed
– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

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