Let’s Guess: Nintendo’s Announcement

We have finally recieved gaming news, internet. The problem is that news is that we will recieve news tomorrow. At some point on the 27th, Nintendo is going to make an exciting announcement regarding the Wii and/or the 3DS. Now before every gets there hopes up, there is no chance of the announcement being a localization of The Last Story or Pandora’s Tower. You see, internet, this is a Japan event, and thus will have little to do with the west. The chances are high that the announcement will be some major Nintendo exclusive or new functions being added to the 3DS. The exclusive, of course, would be something that Japanese gamers care about such as a new Dragon Quest game. Remember the last time this happened and they revealed Monster Hunter Tri-G (stupid name), and the Frankenstick. Of course the “likely” outcomes of this announcement aren’t very fun, so I will substitute them with my picks, and we’ll see who eats the victory nachos this time.

Miyamoto knows what I’m talking about

1.) A family friendly shooter (Wii)
If there’s anything that Nintendo has been accused of with the direction they took with the Wii, its that they have abandoned the harcore audience in favour of families. They have promised that the Wii U (really, really stupid name) will reverse this, but until then, the trend will likely continue. So, maybe Nintendo has realized that first-person shooters have dominated the market for awhile and have decided to jump on. I can only assume that this game will be a Super Smash Bros. of shooters. Meaning, it will have a large cast of characters drawn from Nintendo’s various IPs. Really, it isn’t all that unlikely, Mario has played every spot, kart raced, partied, beaten friends to a pulp, so some sort of paintball or just bullets that make you lose a shower of coins isn’t much of a stretch. Of course, this is a Japan event, and the Japanese traditionally hate FPSs, so the game will need a villain the Japanese will want to shoot at. Looking at the 360 sales in Japan, it is likely that all enemies will have heads in the shape of an XBOX

Mario doesn’t care for your “safety regulations”

2.) The 3DS is given firmware to spontaneously grow a second analogue stick
If I know Nintendo, and I think I do. They are leaders in the world of cybernetics, and nanotech innovations. Therefore, it is not unlikely that the 3DS is some sort of living machine. Its entirely possbible that they will alter the 3DS by having it organically grow another analogue stick. Of course, this has dire ramifications. I can only assume that the more the 3DS “evolves” past its original design, the more likely it is to gain self awareness, hack into the missle systems of various countries and go all Skynet on us. Therefore, even though I’m likely right about this scenario, I plead with you, Nintendo, don’t give the 3DS a missle control channel.

This is a sign. The 3DS has deemed that by the end of its plans we will all live in terror in caves

3.) The Wii isn’t dying, the Wii U isn’t real and its all been a big joke
The last possibility and the most likely, I say, is that Nintendo announces that the Wii was just one big joke on the gaming world to settle a bet between Miyamoto and the Devil. You see, Miyamoto was so happy with Nintendo’s fortunes that he bet the devil that he could sell an entire generation of minigame compilations to the populace as long as they contined to release their (excellent) first party games. Well the bet is over now, and Nintendo can finally remove the blocks on the Wii’s abilities. You see, the Wii has likely always been an HD console with third party developers constantly developing new and exciting games for it. Nintendo’s just been keeping it under wraps, until now. The will release 314 new games of unparalelled quality in the next two months.

The Devil, Billy Mitchell, was not happy losing this bet

So there you go, interet, these are three far more likely announcements that Nintendo will make than the boring and predictable announcement of new 3DS features and exciting new exclusives. So I leave you, internet, to prepare for the cowering in the ruins of our former cities and curse the day that Nintendo let the 3DS become self-aware. Or of course, I could just be making a silly post. We’ll find out tomorrow.

-Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer


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