Crossovers We’ll Never See (Thankfully?)

As a companion piece to Tuesday’s discussion on crossovers, I thought it would be interesting to look at crossovers we are unlikely to see any time soon. You see, internet, even when the crossover seems random, there is still a fundamental level of logic to it. Marvel vs. Capcom makes sense as a fighter. Capcom has Street Fighter, Marvel has a host of superheroes who pretty much do nothing other than fight. It is a match made in heaven. Similarly, grounding Disney over-exhuberance with Nomura angst makes logical sense, even if it doesn’t. The same cannot be said with the millions of crossovers (May not be real number) that don’t make it to production. Sure maybe the Mario-Doom crossover isn’t the best idea, but should it be denied purely that it doesn’t make a bit of sense? Probably. So I’ve compiled a list of crossovers we are unlikely to see in the future. Is it a shame we miss out on so much greatness or should we all be thankful nobody has gotten that drunk at work yet?

I’m going to level with you guys. I don’t really have a good lead in picture this time. So here is Blair.

Aliens vs. Predator vs. Cooking Mama (Wii)

Despite what you may believe now, there was a time when the Aliens vs. Predator name was somewhat well respected. This is of course before the movies, the most recent game, and a ton of comic books that nobody should ever read. Of course, despite this respect, the series was clearly alright with getting into bed with all sorts of craziness in order to turn a profit. Cooking Mama is a fun loving series that forces you to use motion controls or touch pad controls to make food for an overbearing, yet adorably scary “mama”. Its early iterations were somewhat popular back when the Wii wasn’t in the garbage state it turned into. Now both franchises are desperate enough for this to work. Firstly, the gameplay needs to be basic Aliens vs. Predators with several major “improvements”. At the beginning of a match, the teams consisting of aliens, predators and humans will all compete to see who can bake the best cake or bouillabaisse. Whatever team wins gets some form of bonus. And every time you kill an enemy, a horrible shrill “Wonderfurl bette zen mama” will sound, forcing players to really reflect on the choices they’ve made in their lives that have led to this moment.

Forget Aliens and Predators, this one is the real horror.

Sonic Metroid (3DS)

Metroid is one of those classic games series that Nintendo likes to lord over the other companies as much as they can. However, that doesn’t mean there aren’t black sheep in the series. This game would be based off of Metroid 2: The Return of Samus, you know, the only one where Samus actually acts like a bounty hunter. “Sonic the Hedgehog has seen better days”, is what all gamers have been saying about Sonic for the vast majority that Sonic has been around. Releasing games with bloated budgets, without any actual skill behind them is bad enough, but the real slap in the face of gamerdom is the expanded character roster. Shadow the Hedgehog should not in any sane world exist, and I still don’t know what foul pit Silver the Hedgehog crawled out of. So here is the game: as Samus, you travel around the planet in classic Metroid style, and you systematically hunt each and everyone of Sonic’s co-stars. The last boss would be Tails, which would cause you to pause. Tails isn’t that bad right? He was the first and flying is kind of cool, you’d say, but then you’d remember that he started the lunacy, and kill him like the rest… or I don’t know, stop playing?

There is no circle of hell terrible enough for this abomination

Little Big Manhunt (PS3)

Manhunt 2 is a game that is known for two reasons. Firstly it is an incredibly violent game that was so controversial it prompted all of the big three to publicly announce that they would not support AO (Adult Only games). Secondly, it is known for being a really terrible game that nobody should have ever paid even the slightest attention to. Little Big Planet is a cute little platformer with a major hook: player generated content. With the tools at your fingertips, you can create any level you want really, assuming you have absolutely no life at all, which you don’t, as that is the only reason I can think of that Minecraft is popular. So let’s combine the games. Cute little Sackboys and girls and the player generated content that will put them in insanely brutal situations. Basically, it would be a Saw game, but with Sackpeople.

Like this, but adorable

Pokemon Nukem (3DS)

Do you know who would be the best Pokemon master of them all, internet?  That’s right, Duke Nukem. Do you know why, internet? Because at its core, Pokemon is about training adorable creatures to fight until they pass out for your amusement, and, often, profit. Cock fighting at its purest. It is also about beating up children’s pets and stealing their money. And who can do this better than Duke Nukem? Put some strippers in the Pokemon world and it would all be complete. What would make this amazing is that Duke wouldn’t be like those other pansy trainers blathering on about love and trust. He’d know that he’s using the hell out of those poor animals and he’d take a visceral pleasure in beating kindergardeners. On top of this, the one liners practically write themselves. “I’m here to eat Vanillite and kick ass, and I just forced your Vanillite to pass out”. Really, Duke Nukem wouldn’t even really need a Pokemon team of his own, just beer and a lot of regrets.

Hail to the Pokemon League Champion, baby!

Metal Gear Golf (PS3/360)

If there is two things that seem to be born to be joined its Metal Gear Solid and Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Think about it, you have golf, quite possibly the most boring, stress inducing sport ever invented. On the Metal Gear Sold side you have long boring stressful cutscenes about nuclear armaments. It’s a match made in heaven. In fact, I would go as far as to say that my game would simulate the torture of real golf better than any golf game ever. In the game, you would pick one of the regular Tiger Woods PGA Tour characters (No Metal Gear Solid characters, as that might be fun), and then you would pick your course, choose your club and hit the ball. After hitting the ball, you would be forced to watch an unskippable random Metal Gear Solid cutscene (Minimum Length 20 minutes) before you got to hit your next ball. If you make it through 18 holes without committing suicide, you can get a bronze trophy/10 gamerscore.

Maybe this is where we should stick Silver the Hedgehog?

Animal Crossing…. with Wario (Wii)

Ok, you got me. I didn’t know what to name this one, and even crudely slotting in the name of one character wasn’t going to be enough. Animal Crossing is one of the most laid back easygoing games there is. There aren’t really any goals. It’s just about chilling out and having fun. Wario is an obese, greedy, man with a terminal case of ADHD. In this game, you would play either as a random Animal Crossing furry, and drive Wario mad through boredom, or as Wario as you try to burn down the entire village before getting easily distracted every thirty seconds by some really weird minigames/heavy drug use.

It’s like the odd couple, but with crippling depression.

Gears of Custer’s Revenge (Xbox Live Arcade)

Along with Kratos, Marcus Fenix of the Gears of War series has got to take the cake for biggest douchebag in modern gaming. He isn’t an asshole like Kratos, but everything about him is douchetastical (Real word) from his bandana, bulging ape-like muscles, to his soul patch. Then there is Custer, the biggest douchebag of classic gaming. His entire purpose was to rape some poor native woman. It is a match made in heaven. Replace Custer with a weird pixelated Fenix and replace the native woman with, I don’t know, a can of Mountain Dew. Then you try to drag your heaving erection (Shrunken from the steroids) close enough to prove that Marcus Fenix truly is a douchebag for the ages!

Today’s Dew-fueled, steroid-filled adventure!

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games (Wii)

This crossover would really take the cake. Mario and Sonic were huge rivals through the 90s, and putting them in a competition game would be an excellent use of fan service. As a bonus, Nintendo is incredibly good at minigame compilations and sports games, so the game would be perfect. That is unless of course that Sonic’s serious level of suckatude (Real word) screwed it up by making it a lifeless, frustrating, poorly made game, proving that Sonic sucks so bad that his mere presence in a game can cause even a Mario game, the most successful games ever, to fail miserably, but its not like Sega would develop the game. Nintendo would, right? Fortunately, this atrocity would never, ever happen….

Fuck you, Sega!

There we go, internet, my list of crossover games we are unlikely to get anytime soon. You may have noticed that many of these are Nintendo games. The reason for this is that they have the bulk of the iconic series. Sure I could have made Call of Halo, or Capcom vs. Everyone but would that really be that much different than what they’re doing now? Any better ideas for crossovers? Post them in the comments.

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer


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