So with the release of Pokemon Black and White 2, I think it is about time we look at the absolute insanity that is the world of Pokemon. As I mentioned in Part 1, the high level of absurdity in the Pokemon world is treated as if it were normal. Last time we looked at the obvious fact that Pokemon is nothing but cock fighting and the weird economy and government in the games. Of course that doesn’t even scratch the surface of Pokemon’s insanity. All games involve some level of craziness. Nobody actually thinks that eating mushrooms will turn you into a giant turtle killing plumber or that collecting golden rings will make a lame hedgehog any less lame; however, the insanity in Pokemon is normalized by its ho hum world environment. So today, a salute to insanity in Pokemon!
|No Pikachu, not rest! I told you to KILL!|
1.) Law Enforcement
I was playing Black 2 the other day and I came across a policeman. You see, this policeman thought it was suspicious that a preteen girl was wondering through a construction cite unsupervised, and he tried to arrest me. I handily beat his Pokemon with my much stronger band of horrifying monsters and he apologized and I moved on. However, this got me thinking. The policeman was doing his job, and he tried to arrest me, but he was unable to after his really weak Pokemon were defeated. This is a horrifying thought that explains a lot in the world. Police can’t do anything without sufficient Poke-power to back them up, and in a world of trainers this is likely not going to happen. So what we have is a Mad Max style world where only the truly strong have any power. Why would you listen to the police if all he has is a Herdier and you have a type advantage? This explains why there are so many open criminal organizations in Pokemon, as the police cannot do anything until they’ve trained their Pokemon properly, and, unlike 12 year olds, Police have paperwork to do on top of training their kill pets.
|If you had a fighting Pokemon to counter my Herdier, you wouldn’t be in this mess.|
2.) Child Soldiers
We all have seen the many trainers in Pokemon. Whether they are hikers, Pokefans, Scientists or the like. There are a fair share of children, but there are also plenty of adults. However, doesn’t it seem like this is a world were everyone started raising their monsters at a very young age. The widespread toddler Pokemon trainers seem to hint at this, but nothing does as much as the gym leaders. So many of these leaders are clearly designed to be entertaining for children, whether it is a water park or amusement park gym. In fact, it explains why so many gym leaders use incredibly weak Pokemon even though they are ostensibly in a very high level position. Of course, in a lawless world where only the strong can survive, these gyms serve a very specific purpose of training the next generation of Pokemon trainers. If they have to use Elmo to coax children into the gym then so be it. This could have nasty consequences and leads to questions on the motives of gym leaders. For example, what is to stop a gym leader from preying on these child trainers? Look at Burgh, he is clearly a pedophile.
|Quickly, Swadloon, String Shot!|
3.) Pokemon Professors
I don’t think Pokemon professors do anything academically. Actually, they are all incredible idiots. In Gold and Silver the professor didn’t even know how Pokemon reproduced, which is like the stupidest thing ever in a society obsessed with them. They send you off on a mission to collect Pokemon data with a Pokedex, but they never do anything, and every Poke-venturer soon forgets that mission and falls into the gym challenge. The only thing that all professors in the Pokemon world have in common is that they send small children out to do their research, for no pay and with no guidance, and Pokemon are dangerous creatures. Would a real world professor send a preteen out to collect data on Lions? Of course not. So why send a child to collect data on a Rhydon? It seems to me that these professors are just the first step in the creation of new trainers. Give kids Pokemon, send them out to battle, this is the professor code.
|No idea how animals reproduce, but I sure do know how to recklessly endanger children.|
4.) They Have Sex Damnit!
After the last entry I knew I had to talk about this one. Its the simple fact that everyone seems to be completely amazed by Pokemon reproduction. Day care workers will randomly find mysterious eggs. Where did they come from, they inevitably ask? Could it be from the abundant Pokemon orgies? No, couldn’t be. Seriously, these day care workers are the worst ever. You leave your Pokemon with them and they don’t even watch them enough to prevent Poke-rape? Seriously, my Dratini did not consensually get it on with that Gyarados. Is this ethical? Would doggy day care be alright under similar rules. “Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Ketchum, but your dog Sparky is pregnant. I don’t know how it happened, mystery of some kind. Actually, how do dogs even get pregnant? Maybe it had something to do with Rover, unsuccessfully, trying to play leap frog? I don’t know. Anyway, here is the bill for 1600 dollars, and a liability waiver for you to sign”.
|Seriously, this is a sex spa, not a day care.|
5.) Really? Machines?
Has anyone actually ever questioned what the hell Technical or Hidden Machines are (HMs and TMs)? Why is it that they can force Pokemon to learn horribly destructive moves? It can’t be simply a demonstration, or trainers could do it themselves. Also, why is it that Pokemon can’t forget HM moves without a move deleter. Are these cybernetics? Is a “move deleter” the Poke-term for a surgeon? How exactly can Diglett learn Aerial Ace? These are questions I simply don’t have an answer for. All I know is that you can buy these machines in stores, or find them, discarded in caves and on routes (Maybe they’re cursed?), and in the new generation, they never get expended. Are they maybe hypnosis machines? I have no idea, and, truthfully, I don’t think Gamefreak does at this point either. In any event, the Poke-citizens of the world fully endorse roiding up your Pokemon, and gym leaders are obliged to give out one of these machines to you upon victory.
|This is actually more horrifying than what I pictured.|
6.) Poison is Useless Offensively
Finally, lets look at the one Pokemon typing that needs a buff in the games. Poison moves are only effective against grass Pokemon. People on the forums explain that poison is a defensive typing like steel so it doesn’t have a lot of offensive capabilities (Note: poison is pretty useless defensively). However, IT IS POISON. Poison is not used defensively. Nobody sprinkles arsenic on their limbs to prevent damage. Nobody covers themselves in cyanide to make punches hurt less. Poison is used for one reason and one reason alone: to kill. Logic and Pokemon typings do not go hand in hand, but this one is fundamental. Poison should be super effective against a huge variety to types like fighting. Fighting Pokemon are practically humans, why is it that being covered in sludge or toxic waste doesn’t effect them any more than a being made of pure ice? People use the logic that poison shouldn’t be super effective against water because water dilutes poison, but this is garbage logic. No Pokemon is the ocean. Pokemon are water creatures, and Seals don’t “dilute poison”, clams don’t “dilute poison” seahorses don’t “dilute poison”. All of these animals simply die.
|Don’t worry guys. It isn’t super effective because water dilutes poison! I’ll be doing the charleston with Daisy in no time!|
These, of course aren’t the only six (Nine if you count last time as well) bits of insanity in the Poke-world. I could write an article five times longer than this on typing insanity alone. However, I think that is enough this time. I will leave looking at more ways that Pokemon is insane at a later date. I think it is fair to say that any society that sends small children out to capture dangerous wildlife in order to use the wildlife to kill other, more dangerous creature, or simply to beat up pre-schoolers for their milk money, is a crazy society, and no amount of cuteness is going to change that.
– Mistranslation for the Modern Gamer