Valentines Day: The Worst Fan Couples In Zelda

It’s Valentine’s Day again, internet, which means that I have to figure some sort of clever post that doesn’t simply involve listing everyone’s favourite gaming couples. Last year, we looked at popular couples in video games, which will never be. This year, in an attempt to trump that one, we’re going to be getting a little darker. Today, we’re going to be looking at the Zelda series, a series known for its large amount of shipping from fangirls and fanboys. As far as our examination goes, I’m only going after popular couples, so I’m not rule 34ing this stuff, but, yes, Tingle x anyone is the worst couple in Zelda. Of course to determine what popular couples there are, I had to subjugate myself to some truly awful fanfiction searches, something that I really hate to do, so I hope you’re grateful, internet. I’m basing my findings of popularity on fan fiction because it seems slightly more legitimate than looking for pornography (Not to mention much less demoralizing). Also, I’m targeting the horrible couples, so popular couples that aren’t intrinsically terrible won’t get mentioned. You may also note that the all of these come from Ocarina of Time. Well, there’s a reason that it’s called the most popular game of all time, and that applies to shipping too. The basic framework of today’s post is that I’m going to list one of these couples, followed by an assessment of why they’re popular then why they’re awful.

Before we start, I have a warning: don’t keep reading if you want to preserve your innocence; although, if you’ve managed to keep your innocence while being on the internet for any prolonged period of time, there might be something wrong with you.

Nothing good can come of this…
Source

1 – Link x Ganondorf 

No, let the horse stay. I like it when he watches…
Source

-Oh God why?-

This one is fairly easy to understand. Ganondorf is the sadistic, evil king, who holds the Triforce of Power in the Zelda universe. He’s big and hairy, as opposed to Link’s tiny girlish figure. So this is great fun for the S&M inclined. Trust me, there is a lot of slave fan fiction in alternate universes where Ganondorf wins and, um… subjugates Link. This is pretty much power play 101, and, as I’ve unfortunately found out, is pretty common among hero and villain pairs (A quick search comes up with a ton of Wesker x Chris fan fiction). Surprisingly, there are also romantic pairings between these two; although, they are much less common. The reasons for these is novelty, I would suspect, as putting desperate enemies together can seem jarring and unnatural, which can be fun to write.

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

This isn’t the worst pair on the list, but that doesn’t make it any better. The idea that Link randomly falls for the man he’s trying to stop is insane. Keep in mind most of the shipping takes place in the Ocarina of Time universe, so Ganondorf actually accomplished conquering Hyrule, and terrorizing all of Link’s friends. To think that Link would somehow fall desperately in love with Ganondorf is insanity at its finest. At the same time, the whole slave fantasy has a kernel  of truth to it in that Ganondorf is a sadistic man, but do you really think he’d let the Triforce of Courage owner just sit around while he got his rocks off? It’s not like he ever goes easy on Link with the hope that maybe he’ll get to ‘play’ with him later, unless you count firing easy to deflect projectiles at you over and over again…

2 – Link x Sheik 

Now lunge… with your face… (Sorry)
Source

 -Oh God why?-

Probably the most popular pairing. To clarify: I’m not talking about Link x Zelda. No, there’s a large number of people out there who are adamant that Sheik, Zelda’s androgynous alter ego in Ocarina of time, is a separate character, and that character is male. It’s popular for the same reason that putting two androgynous boys together is usually popular among fans who are shipping (Those reasons are omitted here, pervert). There is also the added  benefit that Sheik was always looking on and protecting Link, so you get the whole guardian angle too. Since Sheik is Zelda (To most people), the writers made it clear that there was some sort of relationship between the two and this writing as well as the bishonen style of the character, make this pairing fairly intuitive.

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

The biggest problem is that this relationship is based entirely upon a really insane fan theory. No, theory isn’t the right word, maybe desperate hope, or horrifying delusion is better. Sheik is not a separate character from Zelda, period. It was meant to be a big reveal that it was Zelda in drag, but some people seem to have missed the memo. In a non-fan fiction context, I heard a person on video game message boards arguing that Sheik was his own character because he was a character that Zelda made up, so the character of Sheik exists. Confused? You should be. That’s a just one of many crazy justifications in order to keep the dream alive that Link might be able to make out with another androgynous boy.

3 – Malon x Talon

Do I joke about the ‘Legendary Creature’, or the ‘creature being returned to your hand’?
Source

 -Oh God why?-

Some people are really into incest, and some people are really into underage incest. There’s a decent mix of the two (Have I mentioned how much I hated doing this research yet?), that I could find in fan fiction. This is far from the popular pairing, but I thought this was a good time to take a break from Link, who is the primary focus of most couples. I suppose, it’s easy to justify insane child abuse like this when Talon offered to let you marry Malon after you were able to pick out a couple of chickens (Seriously, Talon, you need to keep out of the milk).

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

Do I really need to explain why incest is bad? If this doesn’t bother you, then scroll up and take a look at that picture of Talon. If that’s someone you find yourself fantasizing about, then maybe you should up your medication, or buy Mario merchandise… I don’t know.

4 – Link x Shadow Link

Those aren’t the blades we want to see you guys cross…
Source

 -Oh God why?-

This, along with Link x Sheik, is probably the most common pairing out there. Shadow Link is exactly like Link in every way except that he’s evil. This allows shippers (I hate that word) to combine everything they love about Link x Sheik (Pretty androgynous boys) and Link x Ganondorf (Power play/evil domination). Since Link is such a beloved character to many fangirls and boys for shipping, two Links must be better than one, right?

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

Firstly, this pretty much amounts to twincest, which, despite being really fun to say, isn’t really any different than incest. Secondly, there’s the problem with the characters. Neither Link, nor Shadow Link have any personality at all. Sure, Links courageous, but that’s it for him. Aside from in Zelda II: The Adventures of Link, Shadow Link doesn’t really amount to anything more than a mini boss fight. In some ways, pretty boy characters without personalities are ideal for aspiring fan fiction writers, who want the ability to do whatever they want with the material; however, aside from an aesthetic, neither Link nor Shadow Link are defined well enough to actually stand out, and neither character has ever acknowledged the other’s existence in the games, so there isn’t even a past relationship to work with.

5 – Link x Saria

Come over here, big boy.
Source


-Oh God why?-

Saria is the typical girl next door, a childhood friend that has feelings for Link. However, he must leave her behind in order to carry on his quest to become a hero. During his absence, Link grows (Literally), and he can no longer go back to his old life. This situation is pretty common for romance stories, and Saria probably has the biggest actual relationship with Link in Ocarina of Time, unlike Zelda who you meet once before Ganondorf takes over. She is also clearly infatuated with Link and several key scenes show this off explicitly.

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

The problem with this relationship is very simple: Saria doesn’t age. She always has the body of a ten year old. Some people may justify a relationship based on the fact that her outward appearance doesn’t reflect the fact that she’s just as old as Link, but it doesn’t make it any less creepy. The fact is, some people are interested in imagining that ten year old collection of polygons in a romantic relationship with either another then year old collection of polygons, or a twenty-something collection of polygons, and that can get a little creepy.

6 – Link x Morpha

Are you extremely aroused yet?


-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

Morpha’s a being who can control water tentacle. Link is a young, pretty boy. If I were to design a flag of Japan, these two would definitely be on it.

-Kill it! Kill it with fire!-

Yeah, this is obviously a joke one, and nobody’s written any relationship fiction between the two (That I know of…). It’s a popular pairing, but purely for pornographic reasons, and I don’t think I need to go any further here.

This is why Link has the Triforce of Courage.
Source

There we go, internet, a collection of creepy fan couples from The Legend of Zelda series. I hope you were just as uncomfortable reading it as I was writing it. If you want to get really uncomfortable type Link x anyone into Google images. I ended up not using any of the thousands of fan pictures, because I felt bad about using someone’s work to make fun of them. Maybe next year, I’ll just do a standard Valentine’s day post… Anyway, Zelda isn’t alone in its fanbase being desperate for shipping, but due to the limited nature of its cast, it was much easier to research. If you were one of those ‘innocent’ people, and ignored my warning at the beginning, I hope you enjoy the wonderful world of perversity that I just opened up for you. Don’t worry, you can thank me later. For everyone else, happy Valentine’s day!

– Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer

Advertisements

One thought on “Valentines Day: The Worst Fan Couples In Zelda

  1. …I think I'll go pray for your soul a bit. All that fan fiction….*shivers*Oh, and I have been going through the fanfiction search on Persona 4. TvTropes dragged me in with some amazing ones, and the in the first 10 stories that pop up on fanficition.com and search Persona 4: Souji Seta/Yu Narukami? 3 YosoukexSouji, an AdachixYosouke, a badly written crossover with P3 that has twincest, 3 fairly decent stories with their own touch, and 2 creepy as hell crack pairings. WHY GOD WHY?!?!?Can no one make as amazing a story as 1-More Chance or Elysion?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s