Horrible Life Lessons Learned From Pokemon

Pokemon is a child-like wonder world where children roam the streets and horrific cock-fights are construed as love and togetherness. It combines that kind of Saturday morning cartoon lesson learning and mind-numbing absurdity. While playing through Pokemon X and Y, I, as usual, couldn’t help but notice some rather horrible life lessons people could take from the game. I won’t cover obvious ones today like sending your ten-year-old out into the world with no supervision, or the aforementioned cock fighting. Those are too easy and have been covered by hundreds of people, including myself, in the past. Today, I’d like to look at some less obvious problems, as well as highlighting some new ones only possible due to the newest game.

Pokemon X may have sold better, but we all know which legendary looks cooler (Note – it’s not the deer).

1. Does Evil Pay Well?

In every Pokemon game there has been an evil team. The first two games got away with it pretty well because Team Rocket was supposed to be a crime organization. However, as the games continued, they started giving their teams weird motivations such as whatever the hell Team Magma/Aqua thought they were doing. Most of these teams have been trying to make up some sort of story as to why they do what they do, minus the evil part. For example, Team Plasma made an effort to say that they wanted to free the Pokemon. The problem with this is that the games never address the problems that the rank and file seem to be in on the plan for evil and very little else. Once again, this makes sense from a crime syndicate stand point, but if your leader thinks he’s saving the world, and you’re still acting like a two-bit thug, there’s a bit of a problem. Also, who joins up for a club for evil?

I thought Team Flare was kind of lame. Then one of them used the term ‘hot mess,’ and all was forgiven.

2. Online Colleges are the Future!

Since the beginning, you could teach your Pokemon moves via items called TMs and HMs. These are essentially disks full of information, which will allow certain Pokemon to learn certain moves. For all of the training your do with your Pokemon, these disks are the most effective way of teaching your Pokemon moves. Regularly learned moves, if replaced, get forever forgotten without the use of a move tutor, while TM or HM moves can be taught over and over again. This is especially strange when, in Pokemon X and Y, you finally get the ability to train your Pokemon in a way that doesn’t involve beating up other Pokemon (Strangely though, it does involve balloons and soccer). All I can take from this is that we should all go out and buy the best educational software, because the best learning comes from disks.

Pictures of TMs are boring, so here are two completely sane individuals from Pokemon X and Y.

3. What do you Mean Nutrition?

One of the new additions to Pokemon X and Y is a mini-game called Pokemon Amie. This essentially lets you pet and feed your Pokemon as well as play a couple of small games with it. What do you feed Pokemon, you might ask? The answer is sweets, lots and lots of sweets. If you want your Pokemon to be full, and thus happy, you’d better be force-feeding it a steady diet of chocolate pastries. That’s exactly what your animals who were bred for war need. Forget protein (Which is an item in the game by the way), or anything like that. Pokemon creators know for sure that all Pokemon need is an insane amount of empty, empty calories. Now think about that next time someone sets a plate of broccoli in front of you.

And that was how Sylveon and all of my Pokemon got diabetes.

4. Negligent Daycare Workers are the Best.

I said I wouldn’t try to hit on anything others or myself had hit on too many times, but this is worth noting again. When you leave two Pokemon at the daycare, they will often get busy, which results in an egg. This confounds the daycare staff, who can’t imagine how it happened, before tossing the egg in your hands and getting back to playing cup and ball, while dozens of Pokemon have unsupervised Poke-sex. The worst part of it all is that these idiots have the sprites of Pokemon breeders, but still don’t seem to know how reproduction works.

Go ahead, leave your Pokemon with this childless old couple. There’s no way anything would go wrong and force you to take a sack of Purloins down the the river…

5. Go Ahead, son. Ride the Rhino.

Part way through the Pokemon X and Y, you get to a mountainous region, and to progress, you jump on the back of a Rhyhorn, think rhino, and he takes you on your way. This is not a trained Rhyhorn, nor are there any signs around to tell you that its safe. No. For all intents and purposes, you are jumping on the back of a two ton wild creature, whose skin is made of rocks and whose horn is big enough to warrant a mention in the beast’s name. This is exactly the thing kids should avoid. I don’t want kids trying to cross rivers by jumping on a bear’s back, or really doing anything they might do in Pokemon to a bear (Seriously kids, don’t go near bears). Of course, in the game, your mother is a world-renowned Rhyhorn rider, so it’s not like the insanity really stops.

This is the last known picture of Billy before he met a very predictable fate.

6. Nobility Means Fighting and Nothing Else.

In Pokemon X and Y, there is a building called the Battle Chateaux. In there, you are given the title of baron(ess), and set along your way to fight other members of nobility in order to increase your standing in society. What this means, is basically there’s a building full of idiots you can battle over and over again, and stronger opponents will appear as your rank increases. Why would they make you, essentially a French noble, only to set you in an ineffectual battle royale against your fellows, while your noble title is worthless outside of the one house…? Actually, that makes a lot of historical sense. Ignore this one.

I’d say it was like Versailles, but by this point in the game, you’ve already been to Versailles.

These are only a few bits of insanity that I’ve come across in Pokemon X and Y, but you’d better believe there are more. It’s easy to get so involved in the Poke-world that you don’t notice it, but the entire thing is batshit crazy. Like how water heals more than painkilling drugs, or how soda heals for more than either, or how lemonade heals the most outside of the hardest of core potions (Which I of course conceptualize as morphine). Pokemon makes no sense, which suits me fine. If I wanted realism, I wouldn’t be playing a game about battling and training monsters to compete in the monster leagues in a world completely obsessed with monsters.

-Mistranslations for the Modern Gamer


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